Reading my favorite blog about the adult industry, Lukeisback, I come across an email from someone totally worried about being affiliated with porn. Surprise, surprise, this guy puts "formerly of Fox News" in his subject line. Here it is, without alteration, because no amount of italicizing or bold-facing could make this more funny than it already is.
'VERY IMPORTANT !!!! From Mytchell Mora formerly from Fox News'
Hello Luke, I don't know much about your sight or the adult industry. But my situation is dire. My name is Mytchell Mora and I work as the publicist to the Open Your Eyes Magazine (www.oyemag.com). Before that I worked for 7 years as a co-producer to Fox News Los Angeles. I'am very proud of my career and my accomplishments. If you type in my name, you'll also see that I'm an activist in regard to the country. Weeks ago, people started telling me my name popped up under my name (mytchell mora), in regard to an adult actress name 'Kara Mynor.' I have NEVER met this girl I DON"T KNOW WHO SHE IS ... and she is slandering my name and career, by the merely mentioning my name. I've had FOX News, USA Today, The Los Angeles Times do stories on me... and now my name comes up on you site?? That is wrong, I mean NO offense to you and your business, but I have NOTHING to do with your business or the business of even knowing this lady. I ask you to please remove my name. I hope it doesn't cause too much trouble? If only someone would of made a call to my magazine or myself, I assure you it wouldn't of gone this far. Please help me. I thank you. Mytchell Mora
What is it with idiots and the all caps? Someone should seriously look into the incidence of low IQ and people using all caps in emails. Anyway, Luke dresses him down because bad penmanship still counts in his book.
Here's where Mytchell went wrong:
* Don't write in capital letters with lots of exclamation points if you want to be taken seriously.
* Write with your recipient in mind if you are asking for a favor. So only headline your request "Very Important" if that request is going to be very important for your recipient.
* Spell and punctuate correctly.
* Make your request as small as possible. If I were Mytchell, I would've asked only for a dash to be substituted for a letter in either of my names, so that "Mytchell Mora" did not show up in Google in reference to a porn site. Changing things to "M-tchell" ain't no thing.
* Don't announce that you know nothing about the person you are writing to and nothing about his work. If you are going to ask a favor, you should learn about your subject.
* Don't talk about yourself unless the person has expressed specific interest. I have no interest in Mytchell. Thus I find it absurd that he prefaces his request for a favor with a long list of his accomplishments.
* Don't claim that your name on an Adult website means your "situation is dire." Don't overstate. It ruins your case. Don't claim it constitutes "slander."
* Don't live in a fantasy world: "If only someone would of made a call to my magazine or myself, I assure you it wouldn't of gone this far."
* Don't put your most important words last. Mytchell should've opened as he ended: "Please help me."
I say:
"You're talking to my guy all wrong. It's the wrong tone. You do it again, I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron."
I knew that movie would come in handy some day.
Anyway, some jagoff doesn't want people to think he is the Mytchell Mora who represents porn stars while the rest of us would kill to be on the set with porn stars. Ain't life funny that way?
YOU ARE VERY UNPOLITE MEAN PERSON! AND LIVING IN AMERICA YOU SEEM TO NOT RESPECT THE RIGHT OF EVERYBODY TO DEFEND HIS NAMEW< KEEP IT PRIVATE AND NOT BE MENTIONED ON SOME PORN SITE IF HE IS NOT RELATED TO IT IN ANYWAY.
BY THE WAY, I AM SURE YOU ARE UGLY PERSON.THAT"S WHY YOU ARE MEAN AND THAT"S WHY YOU WILL BE UNHAPPY!
Posted by: Los Angeles Girl | February 01, 2008 at 03:06 AM
Dude you are so screwed up...It seems you were never a good brother. and you turned your back on your family. They made mistakes like you but did not hurt anyone but themselves in the process
Posted by: luke | April 25, 2009 at 11:12 AM
This person is known for stalking and harassing women. His writing style speaks for itself.
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