John Cornyn's Box Turtle blogs the Top Ten Pickup Lines for Women. Not to be outdone, I have the Top Ten Things to Do to Never Get Laid.
10. Wear a t-shirt with Bob Ross' picture on it.
9. Let a girl see your Batman underwear.
8. Never try to say "Nice shoes. Wanna f---?" if you've been drinking. One too many Jack and Cokes and it comes out "Nice f---, wanna shoes?"
7. Have your mom follow you around calling you 'Nay-Nay' everytime you talk to a girl (I guess she doesn't want grandchildren... ever!)
6. Never tell a girl you would like to be wearing her underwear in the morning.
5. Don't try to have a serious conversation about which porn director you think is better unless she is in the porn business.
4. Wear a t-shirt with your face on it.
3. Admit you have a lifetime subscription to Jugs Magazine.
2. Drop out of community college, become a blogger who still lives with his parents.
1. Don't ever, ever, EVER let a girl see the shrine you've built in your closet to the hottest MILF of them all, Soledad O'Brien.
Learn from my mistakes. Tragic, tragic mistakes.